I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
