I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
