Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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