it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
