Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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