Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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