I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
It's never too late to be topless.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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