Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
