why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
