I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
