you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
