i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
