Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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