Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
She bit a glass in half.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Randomize
