You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
