I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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