New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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