And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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