may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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