Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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