i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
