I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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