is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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