Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
