dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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