i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
