I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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