If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
So squirting runs in the family.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
