why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
