So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
