Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
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