i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
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We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
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I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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