If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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