Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
