this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
a search helicopter?!
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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