you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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