It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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