I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
