woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
