I'm sorry my penis didn't work
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
