At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
