he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
