Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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