Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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