my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
