Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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