I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
