so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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