Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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