My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
