I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
