So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
