I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
