the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
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Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
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Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
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