You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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