i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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