so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
