he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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