I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
